It means a lot to hear how much I mean to you. I understand that sometimes doubts and guilt can creep in, but knowing how you feel reassures me. I value our relationship deeply, Jeongguk.. I just;; I don't know why. There is a constant fear and it cannot be helped, you could say mentally I'm not.. not suitable for you. I feel selfish regardless. Selfish to have with me. Let's just.. forget it. I don't want to talk about this anymore. Instead we can make memories together, and you can enjoy my unhig unhinged ass. I love you. Don't forget hm?
Sometimes I don't know if I deserve you at all... feels guilty ocassinally. I don't know what is wrong or right given in the moment and I may bore you with this.. I'm not taking away your right..no. I'm just- don't know how to or express? What do I say to you... that I was wondering if I did not exist, what good could've happened? I'm thinking of ways to end me. It's not helping- my mind never helps, I.. think I get better one moment and the next moment the urges return stronger. I had done wrong things in my life gugi, many wrong things but the worst of it is when I.. i keep wanting to end myself. My throat hurts from holding back my voice. I can't see anything else without imaging myself dead. My mind corrupts me gugi, and it.. these things you dont need in your life. This negativity and gloom. You could've a better life with someone else... someone better, dont you think so? Too many voices in my head gugi, icaht sjut them
I know you were joking... i know you meant no harm, and I'm sorry for ruining the mood. Though, I don't think you'll likr if I upload my feelings to you.. you won't like it at all...
Cheating... I'd be dead before doing it, but no I'm not. I am only thinking about you everyday, every second- maybe just... in a blue phase. Life is salting the wounds, Jeongguk. I love you the same, I'm sorry for.. yeah
